In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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***Trigger warning: This column contains discussions of abuse***
Dear Lala,
Could I have some advice please? I've ended a 16-year relationship (married for 10-years) due to him being mentally abusive and I just want confirmation that I’ve done the right thing.
Five years ago, I had a nervous breakdown due to being sexually abused when I was younger and never feeling good enough for my husband and his family. I began trauma therapy for the abuse, and I told my husband that I didn't want a physical relationship until I'd worked through it. I would leave my sessions cold, shaking, and drained; they were that intense.
Weeks later, while we were going off work for 10 days, he started groping me sexually through clothes, constantly, no matter what I was doing. I asked him multiple times to stop, which seemed to make him do it more. He was hurting me when he would grab at me. I even cried and reminded him about therapy and what I was going through and that I didn't want sex. I just wanted cuddles and reassurance, which I didn't get. He laughed and carried on. Am I being too sensitive?
When I went back to therapy and she asked me if I'd enjoyed my time off, I burst into tears and said I felt like a terrible wife, mother and person and told her what had been happening. She held her stomach and gasped. She was silent for a few moments and said he was no better than the men who abused me. I've since spoken to him about this, and he laughs and says he did nothing wrong and it's all in my head. I’ve kicked him out, I have twin daughters and I don’t want them exposed to this, but I would love for you to tell me if this is just in my head and I'm making it sound worse than it is.
Lala says,
I can tell you for absolute certain that this is not in your head, you are not being too sensitive, and you have done the right thing. Your therapist was right and I’m glad that you have ended this marriage. Well done. You have been brave, and you have taken control of your life. You have been on a journey of recovery and part of that is being able to make big bold decisions about what is best for you, and being with a man who would treat you and your trauma like that is not it.
To start with, even before the incidents you described, you said that your nervous breakdown was in part caused by never feeling good enough for your husband. It sounds like he has ground you down throughout the marriage and continually made you feel bad about yourself. It sounds like he has been subjecting you to emotionally abusive behaviour for a long time. That would be enough for you to leave your marriage.
It is brilliant that you were able to access trauma therapy and that you set your boundaries around physical contact during that time. You had made it clear that you didn’t want any sexual contact and your reasons why. He then breached your boundaries without your consent, that is sexual assault. Every time he groped you he was assaulting you. His intent and cruelty are clearly displayed in the action of doing it more the more you said stop.
This is intolerable, it is illegal, it is abuse, it is assault. To make matters worse he has shown no remorse and has tried to gaslight you into thinking it’s all in your head. Stand firm in knowing that you are doing the right thing for you and your daughters by escaping. He will very likely continue to deny, gaslight, and attack so it is going to be important for you to continue to have support going forward. I would recommend contacting a support service like Women’s Aid, Refuge, or Victim Support, via them (or independently) I would recommend getting a solicitor who can help you to think about your legal rights and ways of keeping him out of the home, orders you can apply for, and divorce.
It stands to reason that you’d be second guessing yourself. He has spent years making you doubt yourself and lose your confidence. You probably came to the marriage with a ton of unhealed trauma and you deserved a reassuring and supportive love but he failed to provide that. He made your home unsafe for you and perpetuated the trauma you’d already survived. It makes sense that you are unsure.
But I promise you, you’re doing everything right, and you have done the best thing for your daughters. I can guarantee you that you will have an army behind you in my comments on Instagram shouting you on. There will be so many women who can relate to your story, so many who will see that they too can escape. Your story will help people, and there will be thousands of people sending their love and care to you. You have chosen freedom from abuse and that is so incredibly hard to do. I’d recommend doing the Freedom programme as it will help you to make sense of the ways he behaved in the marriage. You’re not being sensitive, you’re being strong. Keep going.
If you need further support or advice visit these websites:
www.refuge.org.uk
www.victimsupport.org.uk
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/search2.php
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