{"id":82650,"date":"2023-08-26T20:21:03","date_gmt":"2023-08-26T20:21:03","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/mylifestylemax.com\/?p=82650"},"modified":"2023-08-26T20:21:03","modified_gmt":"2023-08-26T20:21:03","slug":"stacey-heale-the-truth-about-widows-and-no-strings-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mylifestylemax.com\/lifestyle\/stacey-heale-the-truth-about-widows-and-no-strings-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"STACEY HEALE: The truth about widows and no-strings sex"},"content":{"rendered":"<h2>The truth about widows and no-strings sex: When STACEY HEALE was widowed at 41 she was surprised to find herself longing for intimacy soon after her husband&#8217;s death. And as she discovered, she is far from alone&#8230;<\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li><span>UK writer\u00a0Stacey Heale discusses her lost connection to sexuality and desire\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n<li><strong>READ MORE:\u00a0When my husband died, &#8216;widow&#8217;s fire&#8217; drove me to have casual sex with 15 men in a year<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>It was around the 18-month anniversary of my husband Greg dying of cancer when he was 44 and I was 41 that my friends began to wonder if I was considering dating.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u2018Because even if you don\u2019t want a relationship, aren\u2019t you starting to miss sex?\u2019 they asked.<\/p>\n<p>I would have loved to tell them that I\u2019d been horny as a teenager for a long time \u2013 but there was so much room to be misinterpreted. The topic of dating \u2013 specifically having sex \u2013 after the death of a spouse is still taboo.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>I can assure you, however, that it is very much the main order of the day in the messages between me and my new widowed friends. In the club you never wanted to be in, we know this as \u2018widow\u2019s fire\u2019.<\/p>\n<p>In the five years of Greg\u2019s illness and the torture of his death over two months, my whole identity was ripped away.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>I hadn\u2019t just lost my partner of 15 years and the father of our two young daughters, I lost so many different fragments of myself, one of them being the connection to my own sexuality and desire.<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/08\/24\/14\/74682689-12439317-image-a-1_1692882735675.jpg\" height=\"793\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>I didn&#8217;t just lose my husband and the father of my children, but\u00a0I lost so many different fragments of myself, one of them being the connection to my own sexuality and desire<\/p>\n<p>The urge for sex, which turned up almost immediately, felt inappropriate and strange. But the uncomfortable truth is there is no better antidote to death.<\/p>\n<p>This post-traumatic desire is not a facet of loss reserved only for widows; in fact, craving sex and intimacy is a healthy and normal, albeit awkward, response to the hardest times in our lives and well documented throughout history.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>During the First World War, soldiers turned to sex workers while facing the horror of death in the trenches. The baby boom of the late 1940s came after years of war and celebrated the delight of stability. Population spiked ten months after 9\/11 and the beginning of the Covid pandemic lockdowns.<\/p>\n<p>Biologically, sex produces feel-good endorphins, which decrease stress and pain. It can help you feel more grounded and connected to yourself while increasing a sense of power and control, feelings often lacking in those who are grieving.<\/p>\n<p>The act of sex itself triggers a primal feeling of being alive, an attractive draw for people who have seen the fragility of life up close.<\/p>\n<p>Despite this, we find the idea troubling. It doesn\u2019t help that widows have a bad image. Historically, the tropes are the bitter singleton, the sad emotional wreck or the threatening rival out to steal your husband.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>When I was young, I remember widows who began dating again being said to have a \u2018companion\u2019 or a \u2018gentleman friend\u2019. The terms were patronising, neutral and aimed at clouding any suggestion that these women might want sex.<\/p>\n<p>Even now a distinctly buttoned-up attitude prevails. I recall a friend describing her mother-in-law \u2013 widowed at 41 (like me) \u2013 being \u2018man crazy\u2019 because she had two further monogamous relationships before she died in her 80s.<\/p>\n<p>Then there\u2019s the ever present (if not voiced) thought: \u2018But didn\u2019t you love your husband?\u2019 The point is that it isn\u2019t an either\/ or deal. You can have enduring love for what has gone while also experiencing lust.<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0Desire is physical \u2013 as is grief. The day after Greg\u2019s funeral, I lost my voice entirely for five days and spent months battling flu-like symptoms that often left me capable of doing nothing more than lying in bed staring at the wall.<\/p>\n<p>My own never-ending desire for sex since Greg\u2019s death has proved problematic \u2013 so what do I do? I definitely don\u2019t want a relationship, but I do want to have sex.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>In\u00a0my early 20s, there were \u2018friends with benefits\u2019, people you felt safe with and never needed to explain anything to. Now, at 43, that pool has dried up as everyone I know is married and it feels impossible to meet men anywhere other than online, something I have never dipped my toe into.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/i.dailymail.co.uk\/1s\/2023\/08\/24\/14\/74682697-12439317-image-a-4_1692882879251.jpg\" height=\"475\" width=\"634\"><\/p>\n<p>A survey carried out by Chapter 2 in 2022 found that 63 per cent of people experience an increased sexual desire following the death of a spouse or partner<\/p>\n<p>Greg and I got together before the boom in internet dating, and I had always been thankful I never needed to be involved with it. It looked hard then so how would I begin to explain the complexities of my situation in a profile now?<\/p>\n<p>There is a potential answer for people like me in the form of entrepreneur Nicky Wake, who recently launched WidowsFire, an app specifically for those looking for sex and noncommittal flirty fun after the death of a spouse.<\/p>\n<p>Wake, 51, who lost her husband three years ago, understands the difficulty of navigating the world of dating apps in the aftermath of death \u2013 so she decided to create her own.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Her first app, Chapter 2, specifically caters for widows and widowers looking for connection and relationships with others who understand. The app has been a huge success and now has more than 3,500 members.<\/p>\n<p>However, Wake saw another gap in the market through the messages she received from users and decided to set up a sister app. This time the emphasis would be on sex after bereavement without (whisper it) the spectre of commitment \u2013 as she sees it, \u2018physical comfort\u2019 in a flirty, nonjudgmental space.<\/p>\n<p>\u2018I built both dating apps out of necessity and frustration with mainstream ones,\u2019 Wake explains. \u2018Tinder and Bumble weren\u2019t working for me as it\u2019s always difficult to know when to reveal your widow status.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>&#8216;And many widows have no interest in entering into another relationship or may have children to care for and don\u2019t have time but still crave touch and intimacy.<\/p>\n<p>\u2018After bereavement, people are vulnerable so we wanted to create a space where widows and widowers could safely have their sexual needs met with others in the same situation as them.\u2019\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>In the app\u2019s first few days, over 900 messages were sent between members, confirming what Wake and many other widows know: the phenomenon of widow\u2019s fire is real.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u2018I first had sex again a year after my husband died,\u2019 Wake says. \u2018It was nerve-racking thinking about starting again as I\u2019d shared my heart and bed for nearly 20 years with the love of my life. But I knew that life needed to move forward and, at 49, I was too young to contemplate the rest of my days alone.\u2019<\/p>\n<p>Since then, Wake has been involved in two short-term relationships and a \u2018friends with benefits\u2019 scenario, but knew she wasn\u2019t ready for a serious relationship. Instead, she has signed up to WidowsFire herself.<\/p>\n<p>\u2018I have a proper look for potential dates around once or twice a week,\u2019 she says. \u2018I\u2019ve had lots of fun flirty conversations and one lovely lunch date, but sadly the spark just wasn\u2019t there. I\u2019m definitely open to approaches, though.\u2019<\/p>\n<p>A survey carried out by Chapter 2 in 2022 found that 63 per cent of people experience an increased sexual desire following the death of a spouse or partner, while three out of five widows said they\u2019d had sex with previous partners.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s a truth played out in the TV show And Just Like That\u2026, when Carrie Bradshaw rekindles her romance with Aidan after the sudden death of her husband Mr Big.<\/p>\n<p>The same survey also showed that widows may develop a new adventurous attitude towards sex, with over half of the respondents considering experimentation with different genders, ages and kinks. However, when it comes to actually having sex again, they usually wait over a year after the death of their spouses.<\/p>\n<p>In the silence of young widowhood, I can hear my sexual desires ringing like a bell, but conversely find the reality of sex with someone else a terrifying prospect. When it eventually happens, maybe it will feel like the first time \u2013 a big build-up then I\u2019ll wonder what all the fuss was about.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>I applaud all the widows out there engaging with their needs. I believe the courage to find physical connection will be a big part of their healing process and a step towards gaining back control of their lives.<\/p>\n<p>To everyone else, I ask you to remember that what any widow decides to do about sex, it will be complicated and laden with emotions.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>We are trying our best in a\u00a0foreign land. Just like you, we\u2019re striving to be OK.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>For more information, go to widowsfire.co.uk and chapter2dating.app<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Source: <a href=\"https:\/\/www.dailymail.co.uk\/home\/you\/article-12439317\/The-truth-widows-no-strings-sex-STACEY-HEALE-widowed-41-surprised-longing-intimacy-soon-husbands-death-discovered-far-alone.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">Read Full Article<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The truth about widows and no-strings sex: When STACEY HEALE was widowed at 41 she was surprised to find herself<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>STACEY HEALE: The truth about widows and no-strings sex - My LifeStyle Max<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/mylifestylemax.com\/lifestyle\/stacey-heale-the-truth-about-widows-and-no-strings-sex\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"STACEY HEALE: The truth about widows and no-strings sex - 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