DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I want from my wife is honesty. It’s clear she’s unhappy, and I think she’s beginning to have an affair – but she denies it.
We haven’t had sex in well over a year, and she barely speaks to me.
Instead, she spends every evening “out with friends” or “working late”.
I am 56 and she is 54. We have been married for 25 years and our kids have left home.
One evening a few weeks ago, she got up from the sofa to use the loo, leaving her phone on the table.
A message flashed up. I noticed it was from her colleague.
He is about ten years younger and known for being a player.
When she came back, I said, “You got a message,” and she looked momentarily alarmed.
She checked her phone and said, “Oh, it’s about a presentation we’re doing tomorrow.”
But I had seen the message. It said: “Let me know when you’re alone.”
My suspicions were aroused, so since then I have been monitoring her phone and looking out for messages from this man.
There have been several.
When we’re in bed at night, she pretends to be scrolling through social media but I can see she is messaging him.
Yesterday, I confronted her. She said I was being ridiculous to think there was anything going on.
She showed me her phone, and all the messages had gone. She must have deleted them.
For the rest of the day, she was overly-attentive, calling me darling and being more affectionate than she has been in months.
After so long together, I’m more upset that she is lying to me than that she is tempted by another man.
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I know there are things we need to sort out, and I’m prepared to put in the effort.
But she seems to be giving up on our marriage.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Unfortunately, it does seem your suspicions aren’t unfounded.
Your wife may not have had – or be planning to have – a full sexual affair, or at least not what she considers one.
Perhaps she likes the attention she is getting from this younger man because she is not feeling good about herself.
Maybe your relationship has grown stale and a change in routine would help.
A weekend away or a holiday can work wonders, especially on a dormant sex life.
Tell her how much you love her and that you want to make your relationship work.
Explain how important honesty is to you, even if the truth will hurt.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
Tanya’s not keen on her daughter Gemma’s new boyfriend
Do I tell my husband’s new younger woman he needs Viagra to get it up?
Ask if she will see a therapist with you. My support pack on counselling explains how to access it.
She may have gone off sex because she is menopausal. Her GP can help with any symptoms she is suffering.
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