Sometimes people fake their orgasms.
This is an essential thing to know, otherwise you’ll grow a massive head from the strokes to your ego, fully believing that every person you’ve ever had sex with has had roaring orgasms that have left them writhing.
People fake orgasms for all sorts of reasons – they’re tired and want to speed things up, they’re having fun but know they won’t be able to come, they don’t want to make you feel bad, and so on.
But if you suspect that’s happening… what can you do?
Is there a way to bring up the issue as a way to make sex better, without coming off accusatory or grumpy?
Good news: yes. We chatted to some experts to bring you a guide for a smooth conversation about faking orgasms.
Do bring it up
Don’t just simmer away resenting your partner for faking orgasms. If you reckon they might be faking, have a proper chat when you’re not having sex to work out what’s going on.
Someone faking an orgasm during sex isn’t a personal failing on either part, but it does indicate a struggle to be honest. Why does the faker feel they have to fake? That’s what you need to discuss – not just why they aren’t having an orgasm.
Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert with Lovehoney, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘The key to maintaining a healthy relationship is good communication.
‘If your partner is faking it, whether male or female (though it is much more common with women), then that does indicate a breakdown in communication, because one of you isn’t being honest.’
Learn the signs
A fake orgasm isn’t always easy to spot, especially if the person in question is a good actor.
It’s worth noting that an orgasm that’s loud or seems over the top isn’t necessarily fake. Everyone experiences pleasure in a different way.
You can usually tell if the ‘orgasm’ seems to come out of nowhere, manifests differently to normal, they don’t seem to be that excited before or afterwards, or you just get the feeling it’s a bit… off. It’s not an exact science, unfortunately.
You don’t need to closely analyse every single orgasm. The issue at hand isn’t whether you can catch someone out, but what’s going on behind the faked orgasm.
Timing is everything
That’s the case with orgasms and conversations about fake orgasms.
Jessica Leoni, relationship expert at IllicitEncounters, advises: ‘The time to raise it is after your partner has had a real orgasm.
‘You can then say, “That was great – why wasn’t it like that last week?” And then look at the reasons why your sex together is sometimes mediocre and your partner feels the need to fake.’
Bringing up the conversation seemingly out of the blue can make your partner feel ambushed, while doing it immediately after a fake orgasm risks an argument coming out of the tension.
We-Vibe’s relationship expert, psychologist Dr Becky Spelman, adds: ‘Make sure that you’re both in a quiet environment and that it’s just the two of you.’
Valid point – please don’t chat about your sexual issues at a social gathering.
Why do people fake orgasms?
According to research by IllicitEncounters, 68% of women and 28% of men have faked an orgasm at some point.
The reasons behind a faked orgasm vary, but are often down to a knowledge that a real orgasm isn’t on the cards combined with a desire to make the other person feel good.
‘We all know when we’ve had great sex with real orgasms, but sex isn’t always great,’ says Anabelle. ‘All couples are only operating at 60% or 70% capacity a lot of the time for various reasons – work stress, tiredness, one too many drinks, etc. That is when faking it occurs.’
According to that IllicitEncounters study we mentioned, women are eight times more likely to fake an orgasm with a long-term partner than with someone new, and they most often fake it to protect their other half’s feelings.
Why women fake orgasms:
Why men fake orgasms
Veer away from criticism
Okay, so you may have spotted that they were faking because their sounds were a tad pantomime, but don’t bring that up. The same goes for the specifics of their facial expressions. You’ll only make someone self-conscious, which could stop real orgasms from happening next time.
It’s key that you don’t bring up the topic with anger or blame.
It would be pretty strange for someone to fake an orgasm to hurt your feelings – they’re likely doing it with the best of intentions – so it’s not wise to express annoyance or anger that they’ve faked.
Dr Spelman tells us: ‘As with so many things, how you approach this matter is what makes all the difference.
‘You could start with, “It’s so much fun being in bed with you, and I was wondering if we could spice things up a bit by making it even better…” or, “Wouldn’t it be fun to try something new that might make sex even more fun for us both?”
‘It might be a good idea to start with an incremental approach, rather than out of the blue and make sure that your approaches to your partner are always done with love and respect.’
Ask and listen without judgement
Like we said, people fake for all sorts of reasons, and if you want your partner to quit the faux-gasms it’s crucial they feel comfortable being totally honest.
Ask why they’ve been faking and listen to the answer without jumping in too quickly with solutions.
A faked orgasm is very often a one-off thanks to tiredness or a night out, and that isn’t something that points to larger problems. You need to be certain of what’s happened and why before you know how to adapt.
Make it okay to not have an orgasm
This is a big one.
To put an end to fake orgasms, you need to reassure your partner that it’s perfectly fine if they don’t climax every time.
Sure, an orgasm is the aim, but sex should be about the entirety of the pleasurable experience – not the soulless pursuit of one goal.
A lot of faked orgasms happen because people feel their partner will be upset if an orgasm just doesn’t happen.
Remember that it’s not always personal or a reflection of your abilities, and reassure your other half that your priority is their pleasure and enjoyment.
Make them feel good
It’s tough to have a real orgasm when you feel rubbish about yourself.
Dr Spelman says: ‘Make sure your partner feels cared for always. For both sexes, feeling less than comfortable in the bedroom can lead to performance anxiety and, respectively, difficulty in sustaining an erection or achieving orgasm.
‘Equality is important in any relationship, and it is most important when it comes to sex.
‘Nobody likes to feel pressured into doing something they don’t want, while everyone needs to feel that they are cared for and are at the centre of their partner’s attention.’
Use this as a chance to try new things
If your partner is faking because they’re struggling to orgasm for real, don’t panic. Use this as a time to try new things and have some fun.
‘It is a good way to tackle wider issues in the relationship, not just sexual,’ says Annabelle. ‘And it maybe a way for you to change the way you make love for the better.
‘Only around a third of women can climax through intercourse alone so it could be a route for you to try new techniques – possibly introducing sex toys or at least upping the foreplay, particularly oral sex.
‘If you handle the situation sensitively, there is no reason why you cannot both take your sex life to new heights and ensure that faking becomes a thing of the past.’
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