DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife packed a bag saying that she needed a holiday – and got on a plane despite me telling her we were over if she went.
I couldn’t join her because my new passport had got caught in the backlog.
I didn’t want her to go but she couldn’t have cared less and then kicked me out.
She is in Turkey now, sunning herself with some friends, and I’m paranoid she’ll be on the prowl for a new man.
I’m 42 and my wife is 40. We’ve been married for five years.
I’ll admit I did get pretty upset, as I would never have done this to her.
But she insisted she needed to get away and even though I didn’t have my passport, she went ahead and booked it all anyway.
When she finally told me about her plans, she’d already paid the deposit.
We argued for a few days but I was shocked when she snapped, packed up all my belongings and threw me out.
My wife owns the house we live in, so I had no choice but to take everything I own to my dad’s, where I have been staying ever since.
She messaged me before she left, banning me from moving back in while she was away and insisting I return the keys.
As far as she is concerned I’ve been sleeping in my car, and still that didn’t stop her from getting on the plane.
]She messaged me to tell me she loves me, but how can she when she is willing to effectively see me homeless?
I feel that whatever is going on abroad seems more important to her.
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She has let me down when I needed her most. This has destroyed my trust in her.
I don’t want to see or speak to her when she returns.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I do understand your anger but giving an ultimatum is not a good way to communicate. And once delivered, it’s very hard to take it back.
At the very least, your wife was inconsiderate to go without you.
But perhaps she knew how you’d react if she went ahead and booked, so decided not to discuss it with you first.
Your wife has a lot of work to do to repair the damage she has done and earn your trust back.
It won’t happen overnight. But this is a symptom of a larger problem in your relationship.
Communication is a big issue but the blame for this falls on both of you.
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Instead of asking why she didn’t tell you about her plans, you have jumped to the worst assumption – that she doesn’t love you.
Please consider relationship counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) when she returns.
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