DEAR DEIDRE: MY married lover has told me he’s planning to buy a puppy for his children, and I’m convinced it means he’s never going to leave his wife.
He swore to me that his marriage was over, and promised he was soon going to move out, but all the signs suggest he’s taking me for a fool.
I’m 34 and he’s 40. He has children aged ten and seven. We’ve been having an affair for four years.
He has always told me he and his wife are separated but still live together for the sake of the kids.
The lockdowns were a convenient excuse not to move out, but nothing has changed since.
Last week, he told me he was buying his children a puppy because they were sad their hamster had died.
I know what a big commitment this is – it doesn’t sound like something you would do if you were about to leave.
Am I a mug for believing him?
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DEIDRE SAYS: It sounds as though you know deep down that there is no future with him.
If he really planned to leave, he wouldn’t be buying a puppy, which as you rightly say would tie him more to home.
Four years is a long time to be living together for the sake of the children.
The reality is co-parenting seperately is better for children than living with parents who remain together and unhappy.
So he could still be a good father if he moved out.
Tell him how you feel and perhaps give him a deadline. If he doesn’t make a definitive move, then you have your answer – this man is never going to leave.
For your own future you need to move on.
You are still young and would be better off making yourself available for someone who is ready to fully commit to you.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, explains the reality of being “the other woman”.
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