Marble dumbbells and a village: it's time for Goop's 2018 gift guide

When does the festive season start for you?

Is it December 1? Or sometime in early November, when you spot the first shelf of mince pies at Woolies? Or do you put it off until the public holidays start kicking in?

Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop gift guide has once again delivered the goods.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop gift guide has once again delivered the goods.Credit:Invision

In recent years, a new cultural marker has come to signify the start of the holiday season: the release of the Goop holiday gift guide.

The annual list, compiled by Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle company, is a comical repository of capitalism.

Promising "gifts for everyone on your list", the team at Goop appear to have started to operate ironically, even creating a section for the "ridiculous but awesome" inclusions in case readers just want to skip straight to the weird stuff ("be honest: this is why you’re here in the first place," the section's tagline reads).

It is expensive. It is nonsensical.

It is the best.

Here are this year's highlights. With a suggestion as to which "difficult to buy for" mate should receive each under their tree.

Monthly crystal subscription (from $22/month)

Milennials are into crystals, FYI. Crystals and star signs. (Also, peer-reviewed, randomised-control trials and evidence-based approaches to organised belief systems, but you can't gift those.) The 1970s therapy craze is truly back in vogue, and what better way to keep the friend your psychic said will wrong you's auras in check than making sure they have a healing crystal delivered to their door each month.

Perfect for: Your Scorpio friend. They know what they did.

3D laser printer (from $3420)

This is listed under the children's gift section, which makes perfect sense because Persimmon is going into Year 5 this year and you just know he will need it for his homework.

Perfect for: Persimmon.

An organic fruit club membership ($189/month)

On the subject of gifts that keep on giving (for a finite, 12-month period; no Christmas celebration can extend beyond the next), why not give someone special in your life over $2500 of fruit. It is unclear as to whether this fruit is very large in quantity or in price but, either way, that seems like a lot of fruit.

Perfect for: Yoshi from the 1997 Nintendo 64 game, Yoshi's Story.

Marble dumbbell ($137)

You know what I always think about gym equipment? It is simply too cheap. Thank goodness these marble dumbbells have found a way to make your home gym more expensive.

Perfect for: Your fat billionaire friend. We've all got one.

A Spanish village ($234,000)

The description of this village in Lugo, Spain, simply reads "for when it takes a village". But, is it strange that this village seems surprisingly affordable? Multiple residences, beautiful views, the pretentiousness of being able to tell everyone in your social circle that you're moving to rural Spain, all for less than $250,000? It's the best value on the list.

Perfect for: A member of the English Armada circa 1590.

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