How I Do It: 'When I stopped thinking sex is just penetration, it became great'

For this week’s How I Do It, we get a sneak peek into the sex life of Ava*, who’s 24, bisexual and in a relationship with a woman.

Ava says her relationship with sex started with it being ‘something I did with boys around the age of 16 to get attention’, and that she ‘thought it was a way of validating myself as a woman’.

But in the years that followed, Ava started to have a better relationship with sex when she stopped feeling like she ‘had to be “sexy” or “hot” under a male gaze’.

She started exploring masturbation and ultimately came to the realisation that she was bisexual.

When she stopped associating sex with penetration, ‘everything started being great’.

Now, Ava and her partner are ‘comfortable’ together, and she’s happy that they can laugh when they have sex, and about how open they are about it.

Here’s how they got on this week…


Weekdays are usually complicated as my partner really likes sex in the morning, but we have to get up early to go to work.

When the nighttime came, we started talking about things – we quite often have moments of sex reflection in which we talk about what’s going well and what could be better.

She turned round to me and said: ‘You miss sex, don’t you?’ And I did.

I am sexually a little more active than she is, so sometimes I struggle with periods without sex. We spoke about it and then went to bed. 


On Tuesdays, we usually go bouldering together, but this Tuesday was special.

My partner came home from work (I was working from home) and made a very clear move on me. She tends to do that after periods in which we haven’t had much sex, and she notices I miss it.

We savagely made out in the living room. She hadn’t even taken her shoes off, but that was no problem, I soon took everything off.

I feel really good when this happens, it becomes a moment in which we stop and analyse what needs we’re neglecting, and then we take action to address them.

We had very good sex, and we even rescheduled our bouldering session to cuddle in bed afterwards, which, if you ask me, is the best part of having sex in a committed relationship.


The day went by really fast. Both of us stayed home, so there were loads of cuddles and loads of coffee like any other WFH day.

We were still riding the wave of ‘wow we had really good sex yesterday’ which is always a very uplifting thing. But nothing else to report on today.


On Thursday things were wild.

We both came back from work and got dressed to make it to our bouldering session.

While snacking on the couch, we started kissing when we were all ready to go.

Things started to heat up a little bit, but we didn’t have all the time in the world.

‘What time is your friend coming?’, I asked. ‘In half an hour’, she replied.

We didn’t even need to take our trousers off.

Sometimes that feeling of urgency, immediacy and spontaneity is better than being undressed softly and cautiously (or at least I think so).

We had a very good orgasm each in less than 20 minutes. I guess those are the perks of knowing someone like the back of your hand.

30 minutes later, we were dressed for bouldering and on our bikes all ready to climb. It was amazing.


My weekend this week was pretty dry.

I was in Madrid for a friend’s birthday. If I go out without my partner I usually like to flirt a little bit. It makes me feel good, makes me feel appreciated and is quite nice.

I do this when I’m out with her too – this is not something to hide or be ashamed of in my opinion.

But there was not even flirting this weekend, because I was surrounded by posh people everywhere.

I have to say, posh guys, especially Spanish posh guys, have too much toxic masculinity for me to even interact with them.

*Name has been changed

How I Do It

In’s How I Do It you get a sneak peek into a week of a person’s sex and love life – from vanilla love-making to fetishes, threesomes and polyamorous relationships, they reveal it all.

Fancy taking part yourself? Email [email protected] for more information.

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