In defense of Crocs: Anti-fashion footwear for everyday goons

Post Malone designed a pair of Crocs that sold out in 10 minutes.

Did you read that right?

Yes, the face-tattooed Guy Fieri of rap, designed a pair of Crocs, the most wonderfully ugly shoes known to humankind.

Crocs are unnecessary rubber waste that have no function. That is a fact. But their strange blobby aesthetic has confounded discourse since the aughts. They’ve sparked something in our souls. You either love crocs or love to hate crocs. Or you’ve armored up in defense of something so trivial and stupid that you wear Crocs as an extension of your non-conformist personality.

This is the plight of the modern Croc wearer.

The 23-year-old “Psycho” singer-rapper’s Crocs are perhaps the dumbest things I have ever seen. They are deliciously, flamboyantly obscene, like Posty himself. This is the man, after all, who is so ugly, his own fans tried to nominate him for a makeover on “Queer Eye.” He knows who and what he is: a complete mess. So it makes sense that he would branch out into making shoes that are only worn as a joke.

He crafted the horrifically simple Croc template with stamps of his tried and true logo, a piss-colored devil with a face like a baby being stepped on. Posty also made jibbitz, those unnecessary plastic nodules made to fill the burning void in your Crocs (and your soul), to match. Ugly, meet uglier. Irony, meet satire. The world is on fire, why not have some fun while you’re here? Malone is giving that gift to us, the gift of awesome stupidity.

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Stupid is good! Crocs has finally hit its niche, capitalizing on the weird space in the market they take up. In 2009, when the shoes were being pushed to compete with the everyday sandal, the company almost went bankrupt. Flash forward to today, Croc sandal sales grew 18 percent in the last quarter alone, thanks to new marketing strategies and a flush of p.r.

Runways shows such as Balenciaga have previously tried to give Crocs a high-fashion makeover, but of course, it didn’t take. It was too pretentious.

Crocs are for the everyday goon: An ironic camp counselor, an uninformed dad looking for arch support while gardening, a swaggy eighth grader who loves memes. Crocs are for the plebeians. They will never be for the mainstream, so Malone made them for us, the self-deprecating hypebeasts.

These iconic shoes are a meme of a meme — an inside joke that goes so deep you no longer recognize reality. It’s like when you start saying “lol” to make fun of people who say “lol,” but then you start saying it seriously. “Wait,” you think to yourself. “Are these actually the coolest shoes to ever exist?” Yes. They very well might be.

Thank you, Post Malone. May God bless you.

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