Stephen Colbert Doesn’t Feel Like Laughing

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

‘You Rig Some, You Lose Some’

Stephen Colbert opened “The Late Show” with a somber, emotional speech on Thursday, accusing President Trump of trying to “poison American democracy” with his lies about the vote count and evidence-free claims that the election was being stolen.

“By the way, if Donald Trump is right — if Joe Biden did pull the strings behind the scenes in Republican states like Arizona and Georgia while coordinating with Democratic states like Pennsylvania and Nevada and Wisconsin and Michigan and throwing in the red herring of letting the Republicans keep the Senate and gain a few seats in the House while just barely removing Donald Trump — wow!” Colbert said. “I mean, kudos to that level of interstate coordination. I mean, anyone who could accomplish that many things at once right now really would be the president we need during a global pandemic.”

“The Trump folks still insist they have a chance, which may be true, but even Republican-friendly estimates say Trump has a steep uphill battle to close the gap. And the only thing more challenging than a steep uphill battle for Donald Trump would be a steep downhill waddle.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The race being so close in Georgia was a big surprise, but Pennsylvania — the reason Joe Biden is strong in Pennsylvania, a state that voted Republican last time, is because he’s from there and they know him. It’s the same reason Trump lost New York.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“At 9:12 this morning the soon-to-be-former president tweeted, ‘Stop the count!’ And I guess nobody listened, because half an hour later he retweeted his own tweet: ‘Stop the count! Why are they still counting? I tweeted twice to stop.’ He also wrote, ‘Stop the fraud,’ which should have been a note to self.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Here’s a compromise: How about they count the votes and then they stop counting the votes, like the old days.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“I’m not saying Trump is in trouble, but he was just sent straight to voice mail by the My Pillow guy.” — JIMMY FALLON

“Yep, nothing is definite, but the outcome feels pretty inevitable right now. Vladimir Putin is like, ‘Oh well, you rig some, you lose some.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“He’s also been urging his followers to take to the streets, and they’re showing up like coronavirus at a White House Rose Garden event.” — TREVOR NOAH

“I mean, seriously, I can’t believe we were all terrified that Trump supporters would coordinate a civil war and yet these guys can’t even agree on a slogan to shout in the streets.” — TREVOR NOAH

The Punchiest Punchlines (Suing America Edition)

“When Hillary lost, she disappeared into the woods, but Trump starts losing, he’s dragging voters one by one onto the witness stand, although knowing Trump, he’s probably just hustling for a big settlement. [as Trump:] ‘I’m suing because I should be president, that’s why I’m here — but for 500 grand we can forget this whole thing ever happened. Three hundred thousand. Two hundred and fifty, my final offer. Fifty thousand. I’ll pay you, but only $20. Art of the deal.’” — TREVOR NOAH

“The Trump campaign filed lawsuits in Georgia, Michigan, Nevada and Pennsylvania. And you know he’s serious because he sent his best lawyer — who was duped by Borat into almost showing his penis on camera — to Pennsylvania to handle this.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And let the lawsuits begin. I really cannot think of a more fitting ending to this presidency than him suing America.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“You know you’re in trouble when your master plan starts with ‘Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.’” — JIMMY FALLON

“Dude, you’re behind in Michigan. I’m worried you’re so confident because you think this is golf rules: ‘[as Trump] Just saw the numbers out of New York and Massachusetts. Very encouraging; way below par.’” — SETH MEYERS

“Of course he’s suing. I get the feeling when Trump didn’t get the Christmas gift he wanted as a kid he was like, ‘Better lawyer up, Nana.’” — JIMMY FALLON

The Bits Worth Watching

“The Tonight Show” invited audience members to share their special talents, including one young woman’s impersonations of celebrities stubbing their toes.

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